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The Worst Songs of 2004
This is an episode of Carl's Pop Song Reviews. Carl reviews the worst songs of 2004. Memorable Quotes Carl: Put on your poodle skirts and bell-bottoms, 'cause we're going back in time to the year of....(screen shows a list of popular songs in 2004).....Huh...........Okay. Carl: 2004 holds a special place in my heart. It was the year I heard some awful Love Handel song that inspired me to create a blog about me complaining about music, which I later converted to a show. Yes, this was the year Carl the Intern became a legend. Candace: (to Jeremy while eating a bowl of tuna) Am I eating chicken or am I eating fish? I know this is tuna, but the can says "Chicken.....of the Sea".... Jeremy: ............ Carl: There. After thirteen years and a million paparazzi photos, this is Candace Flynn's only contribution to pop culture. Being outsmarted by a food can label. Carl: In 2003, Candace launched her career as a reality star, a career that she still continues to this day (screen shows a tabloid picture of Candace). Before that, she used to be a singer, with some success. Not success that anyone remembers, but success nonetheless. Carl: Yes, the newly devirginalized Candace went out that year to put out a new, attractive image, but as 2004 approached and R&B took over, pop music didn't have a clue on what to do with its regular pop princesses. Candace: I can let my hair down, I can do anything crazy.... Carl: I assume this one only charted because of the buzz of her TV show, because this is easily the worst Candace Flynn song I've ever heard. And believe me, I've listened to A LOT of Candace Flynn. (hangs head in shame) Carl: Oddly enough, Candace never particularly seemed comfortable as a singer. At least on this she doesn't. Listen to this song. It's herky-jerky, it has this weird rhyme scheme, it sounds like an inept mashup. Candace is a belter. She knows how to do this. (screen shows Candace singing a high note) Carl: Not so much this. (screen shows Candace making these weird breathy-cooing sounds) Carl: I'm annoyed because this synthetic piece of garbage is Candace presenting "the real her". And your cutting through the layers of show biz to see what that is. Candace: The real me is a Danville girl, with her white skirt on and an open heart... Carl: Right. No. This is so calculated it could have been written on a TI-84. Chances are even Jeremy didn't know the real Candace. I sure don't believe this piece of (bleep). (screen shows Candace doing things in the music video that portray "the real her") Carl: (sarcastically) Look at how chill she is. She's not a living publicity machine at all. She's just Candace from the block. Whatever. Carl: Surely we had someone to be the leader in rock-and-roll back then. (a picture of Pennyfront pops up while evil music plays in the background) Carl:......Oh......No wonder this genre was dying. Johnny: How the (bleep) did we wind up like this, why weren't we able... Carl: That's a good question, Johnny. (angrily) How did we end up like this every single year of the Doofenshmirtz administration with another Pennyfront song stinking up the radio? Pennyfront was always bad since the very beginning. But it was around this time where they sealed their reputation as not only a bad band, but the worst band of all time. Carl: Their only hit in 2004 was a song called "Someday", which was basically a recycling of their first hit. So much, though, that an epic remix was made to illustrate that point. (a remix with "Someday" and "How You Remind Me" plays) Carl: People use the term "butt rock" to refer to many things, but that term describes Johnny perfectly. Johnny literally sounds like he's singing directly from his colon. That is the key component to Pennyfront's rock bottom reputation. Every single song he just wails like that. How do you think he answers the phone. (mimics Johnny) HELLO!? Carl: Also, this is a minor nitpick, but the lyrics suck, too. Johnny: Someday, somehow, gonna make it alright but not right now... Carl: (sarcastically) He's gonna make it alright, but not right now. The game's on. Can't it wait? Geez. Carl: If this was any other band, this would be the worst thing they would have ever done. Just another day for Pennyfront. Carl: This is not about Jenny. (screen shows Jenny singing "Baby Boy" by Beyonce) Carl: I already said I'm not a Jenny fan, but she does have a couple of songs that I like, this one not included, but this isn't about her. (screen shows Ferb rapping in a incomprehensible Jamaican accent) ' Carl: This isn't about Ferb either, although it was easy to get sick of Ferb that year. No, this is about a chubby white boy named Buford von Stomm. He used to be a drummer for the Baljeatles, then he got a record deal under his mentor Phineas, then he began creating his own beats, and was actually successful for a few years. I bring him up because he absolutely sucks. Carl: I blame every (bleep) dance song from '03-'06 on him. I couldn't stand a single song he touched because all his (bleep) sounded exactly the same. Some vaguely-foreign Indian-sounding music with hip-hop beats thrown on top of it. Anyone could have done it. But Buford went out of his way to suck the life out of every song he made. When we had people like Phineas making decent music, I don't know why we tolerated this talentless hack's hits. Carl: One would expect someone like Jenny to liven things up. But, you see, Jenny is good at explaining how awesome she is or dissing some guy. I wish she would have brought more of that energy to this. On love songs, more than a few times, she just isn't feeling it, which is why she seems non-existant on this song. Carl: Buford finally flamed out, Lindana style, in a cloud of drugs, lawsuits, and weird outfits. (screen shows Buford wearing a woman's bathrobe) I choose to believe it was karma. No one knows what happened to....Jennifer.....did anyone ever hear from her again? Probably not. Carl: (begins pressing an E chord on a piano) Jeremy: I'm not a perfect person... Carl: (sarcastically) Oh, I don't remember this song. (unsarcastically) I wish. This is one of those songs that I'll always remember because that year, and the years following, this became one of the most overplayed songs of all time. Carl: This song is a worst of both worlds situation. The dreary music sounds like something from a Pennyfront song and the cliche and sappy lyrics sound like something from an Albert song. Listen as master poet Jeremy Johnson expresses his excellent way of saying "he's not a perfect person". Jeremy: I'm not a perfect person.... Carl: And listen as he weaves romantic adjectives to express that he's sorry that he hurt you. Jeremy: I'm sorry that I hurt you... Carl: And finally, how he finds a different spin on the terrible, insincere cliche, "I never meant to do those things to you". Jeremy: I never meant to do those things to you... Carl: Genius. Yeah, this guy isn't better at apologizing that Pennyfront. At least he's a better singer than Johnny....most of the time. Jeremy: (at a live show, singing badly) I'm not a perfect person... Carl: It's just not a very convincing song. "I never meant to do those things to you". Those things. We never know what "those things" are. I don't know, maybe he sold her platypus and hooked up with her friends. Jeremy: I found a reason for me to change who I used to be... Carl: You can't change who you "used to be", dumb(bleep) Carl: Even though The Incidentals disappeared after their biggest hit, it still is as big as ever in its own gray awfulness. Why won't it just go away? This song incidentally sucks! Carl: After Coltrane's album went platinum in '02, ripoffs started showing up immediately. Django: (rapping) I like it when you move it right thurr, right thurr... Carl: This guy's name is Django, or "DJ-ango", I don't know. He was like Coltrane. From Danville, not very known, but liked to rap. However, unlike Coltrane, I don't think anyone liked Django. Any music critic can defend anyone who's looked down upon, but NOBODY stood up for Django. And like the Incidentals, he was at his worst when he was trying to be romantic. Carl: People like Django's entire mindset of romance came from watching adult videos. Django: She lays down on the bed with a see-through (bleep).... Carl: He doesn't have a good flow, either. In fact, his voice is the worst thing about him. He sounds shocked at everything he says. Django: (rapping in an annoying voice) The next day I'm at the fellas at the case playin' ball, here she come with her friends, they posted up on the wall... Carl: Seriously, is Baljeet dubbing this guy? Does this guy have the hiccups? Django: (rapping) She was at the bank with her momma... Carl: Don't creep on girls at the bank or the grocery store or whatever, geez. Carl: Let me sum up this entire song for you. Heinz: (while texting) I sent that (bleep) a smiley face. (bleep)s love smiley faces. Carl: You know what else is one call away? Irrevelance. (a picture of Django shows up with a caption that says "Who?") (screen shows Irving singing in a wimpy, breathy voice) Carl: (sarcastically) Nice Marilyn Monroe impression there, son. Seriously, this guy's a singer? He sounds like he has hay fever and a pipe wrench tightened around his (bleep). Carl: Granted, not everything about "Southside" by Irving is terrible. It has a nice guitar-infused beat, and Adyson's vocals are very good, even though I wasn't an Adyson fan to begin with. She just blows Irving out of the water here. And yet, the good parts in this song highlight how terrible Irving is. Carl: This song is about the two of them arranging a romantic night away from the eyes of Adyson's father, who doesn't approve of Irving's fashion sense and his stalker-like tendencies. It's funny how they mention this overprotective dad and how it forces YOU into that role to protect your daughter from this guy that's not ever going to be good enough for her. Again, I'm not a fan of her, but I feel (in a country accent) So that girl is my little princess, and if you even think about doing "it" with her, I want you to know that I have an AK-47, and I'm not afraid to use it. Carl: But he was ten at the time. No wonder he sounds like that; he wasn't even in junior high yet. Now that's he in his early twenties, I'm sure his voice has matured. (screen shows Irving singing a different song in that same wimpy, breathy voice) Carl: Huh, I guess not. What else has he done? Irving: Call me Mr. Flintstone, I can make your bed rock... Carl: (angrily) Oh, it's that guy! The "Bedrock" douche! He sang the hook on one of the worst songs I've ever reviewed. Although everyone involved in it is at fault, mostly Ferby Ferby, I mostly hated the singer. Kind of comforting to know that he always sucked. Irving: TSA, Danvilla, what we do it for ya, Doofenshmirtz-ing like we in Georgetown Hoyas... Carl: (in a sarcastic suggestive voice) Oh baby, Georgetown Hoyas. Slushy Burger Smoothness. I'm gonna be the Phineas to your Ferb. (gags) Stacy: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like, it's better than yours, (bleep) right, it's better than yours, I can teach you, but I have to charge... Carl: .....Oh my god.....I hate this song....I never realized that before....Why didn't I....I must have listened to it a billion times and thought it was funny.....Major Monogram sings it all the time......it's REALLY bad..... Carl:....Okay, so Stacy is proud of her "milkshake"? We never know what that "milkshake" is. Her recipe's worth something......I'm guessing she means more than the $2.59 at Slushy Burger.....I don't even know what I'm talking about. I never realized that I hated this song so much. It's terrible, it's disjointed, it's unlistenable, it's just noise. It's the worst thing Phineas ever thought of. Am I the only one not realizing this!? Stacy: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard... Carl: "Milkshake"? I drink your milkshake? I don't know what to say. Most people that hate it now just got sick of it. I never did, it just flat out sucks. Right? (screen shows Stacy drinking a milkshake suggestively) Carl:................. Carl: Enter Phineas, a Danville rapper who usually sang gangsta songs, who decided to start writing meaningful songs asking hard questions about racism, politics, society, the music industry, and many other topics. It was called "Why". Carl: It was a serious departure from the trends of his time, so why is "Why" on this list? Well, despite all of good that could have come out of this, there was one itty-bitty problem. Phineas is a moron. He tried, he tried. But he was just way out of his depth. Why didn't he just talk about things that are actually worth answering? Turns out a lot of these questions are things that only he cares about. Phineas: Why I can't come through to the Googleplex Mall? Carl: Or shouldn't care about. Phineas: Why at the bar you ain't take straight shots instead of poppin Crist? Carl: (sarcastically) What business of it is yours, jerk? Let me drink. Carl: Or he's just asking questions that prove his own ignorance. Phineas: Why Heinz have to be crooked before he took it? Carl: You know Doofenshmirtz had an Oscar before he started slouching, right? Phineas: Why they ain't give us a cure for AIDS? Carl: (sarcastically) Because they just don't like you, Phineas. There are scientists out there witholding the cure for AIDS just for you. Phineas: Why my buzz in LA ain't like it is in Danville? Carl: 'Cause you're a Danville rapper, duh. Isabella doesn't walk around complaining about why she isn't popular in Canada, (bleep). Phineas; Why they let the Terminator win the election? Carl: Stupid question after stupid question. Phineas: Why you're only doing eighty percent of your time? (skips part) Why does Buford hate me?' (skips parts) Why isn't Doofenshmirtz destroyed yet? Buford: (bleep)ing magnets, how do they work? Carl: If you want to listen to insightful rap, go to Baljeet or Coltrane, don't go to Phineas, who thinks this is a good way to inform people on current events. Phineas: Why did Roger knock down the towers? Carl:.....Oh......You're one of those people. Well, he did it so he can cover up the CIA's mind-control or whatever your crazy (bleep) believes. Carl: Here's a question for you, Phineas? Why don't you go eat a (bleep)? Carl: I'm not a prude, and I'm not against people dropping the "f-bomb" in their songs. But there's a right way to do it... Albert: I see you driving round town with the girl I love, and I'm like, (bleep) you.... Carl: And then there's a wrong way. Django: But tonight I'm (bleep)ing you... Carl: And then there's a wrooooooooooong way.... Johnny: (bleep) what I said, it don't mean (bleep) now, (bleep) all those presents, might as well throw them out, (bleep) all those kisses, it doesn't mean jack, (bleep) you, you (bleep), I don't want you back.... Carl: Remember this song? It went to number one in nine countries. No, I don't remember it either. But let me introduce you to the guy singing it. A doofy goth douche named Johnny. (sighs) Carl: This is like listening to that "Graduation" song by Candace with some whiny baby screaming curse words on it. Carl: So I guess this girl cheated on him and he dumped her and he's rejecting her attempts to get back with him. No, this is what I think actually happened. She cheated on him, and then later SHE dumped him, and then he wrote a song wishing how it should have gone down. Carl: It's honestly too pathetic to get offended by. I can't think of anyone who grooved to this unironically. This is what "so bad it's horrible" countdowns were made for. Carl: Even if you do like it unironically, we already have a much better song about the same thing made by a much better artist (screen shows Albert singing "**** You" by Cee-Lo Green) Carl: (sarcastically) I might have to do a further episode of this, because this guy has such terribly underrated singles such as "Get off my (bleep)", "I Love Them (bleep)s", and "(Bleep) is Fat". Johnny: (bleep) you, you (bleep), I don't want you back.... Carl: And no one wanted you back either, Johnny. At least you have this one great song as your legacy. Pfffffft. Carl: But until the end of my days, I don't think I will ever see such a large drop in quality like this... (screen shows Ferb dressed up as Michael Jackson dancing) Carl: You broke my heart, Fletcher. You broke my heart. Carl: The song was called "Just Lose It", and Ferb just lost it. Ferb: I would touch on everything but little boys... Carl: Not funny, Ferb. No one thinks you're actually going to hurt little kids. Carl: Ferb was supposed to be vicious, not this. Ferb: Give a little woot-woot, it's okay (screen shows Gretchen farting) oops, varsity just skipped, and everyone heard you let one rip... Carl: (laughs sarcastically) Ferb: (while dressed up as MC Hammer) Stop...Fletcher time! Carl: MC Hammer? (screen shows Ferb dressed as Michael Jackson) Michael Jackson? (screen shows Ferb dressed like Rigby) Regular Show? How sad is this? If he added a Scooby Doo joke, it would make the song more timely. Ferb: Just lose it-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.... Carl: I'm sorry, can you repeat that? Ferb: Just lose it-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah... Carl: Arr-arr-arrr you're saying? Ferb: Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah! Carl: Just checking. Carl: I don't miss 2004, and I bet Ferb didn't either. (episode ends) Trivia *The songs reviewed are listed on the page for the series. *The creator liked 10, 9, 8, 7 and likes 4 in a "So Bad it's Good" way. She has never heard of the other songs. *The creator liked 2004, and was eight at the time. *Alyson Stoner, Isabella's voice actress, was in the actual "Just Lose It" video. She was one of the little kids dancing. Category:Stories by Tpffan5196 Category:Carl Category:Reviews Category:Candace Flynn Category:Johnny Category:Jenny Category:Buford Von Stomm Category:Jeremy Johnson Category:Django Category:Fanon Works Category:Irving Category:Stacy Hirano Category:Phineas Flynn Category:Ferb Fletcher